


not death but his brother, sleep

by driv_el



Category: Call Down The Hawk - Fandom, Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kavinsky Is an Important Part of Ronan's Arc Maggie, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-17 21:36:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21750130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/driv_el/pseuds/driv_el
Summary: Ronan dreams about Kavinsky. Set just before the events of Call Down the Hawk. Adam/Ronan are endgame, as always.
Relationships: Joseph Kavinsky/Ronan Lynch, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 8
Kudos: 113





	not death but his brother, sleep

There is a packet of green pills taped underneath Ronan's dresser. They aren't a temptation when Adam is around, and they're rarely a temptation when Ronan is alone, but tonight the knowledge they exist feels like static behind his forehead. He looks down and thinks he sees the green powder residue that the pills used to leave on his hands. _On our hands_ , the memory of a voice interjects. 

He tries to call Gansey and his phone goes straight to voicemail all four times. He thinks about calling Blue but he doesn't know what he would say to her if she picked up. He wants to call Adam and knows Adam would answer but he also knows Adam has a class at 8am in the morning. He doesn't have anyone else to call, unless you counted his brother Declan who would be positively thrilled to hear Ronan wanted to peel the plastic baggie off the wood it was stuck on and let the pill inside dissolve on his tongue and yank him into a feverish, technicolor dream. Ronan tries to imagine what that conversation would sound like.   
  
"Hi, Delcan," he'd say. "I want to do drugs but instead I'm doing the responsible thing and calling you." 

Declan would reply, sharp, "Are you drinking again? Do I need to drive down there? I have things to do tomorrow, you know." Before Ronan could respond, Declan would have hung up. He'd pull on a pair of slacks. His fingers would quickly button up his shirt, perfectly, on the first try, a useless skill that Ronan resented. And then he'd be in his car headed to the Barns. Which wouldn't be a good time for either of them. 

His finger hovers over Adam's name on his contact list. Sometimes Ronan wishes he needed Adam less. There's a part of him that thinks it was easier when he was alone. That when it was him against the world, he could do what he needed to do to survive. He could take the pills, consequences be damned. He could dream monsters and night horrors and let them tear him apart and it wouldn't matter. Not really. But now he had someone who would care. And now he had someone who would point out that there were plenty of other people who would be devastated to find Ronan bleeding in a bathtub again. And that that he had never been alone. Not really. 

_You always loved that sob story bullshit,_ Kavinsky's voice pops up in his head again. _Ronan Lynch, King of Dead Daddy Issues and Useless Secrets._

Ronan heads outside, to take a walk, to talk to Chainsaw or Opal, to try and sleep somewhere new where those goddamn pills will stop taunting him. 

He sees a white Mitsubshi parked in his driveway and his heart drops. But then he blinks and there's nothing in front of him but gravel. 

"You can call me anytime," Adam had said. "I promise I won't mind if you wake me up." His mouth quirked into a slight smile. "I'm used to going to school on no sleep, anyways. My body still isn't used to getting more than five hours of sleep." 

But he doesn't want to be Adam's high school dropout boyfriend who can't go more than twenty-four hours without hearing his voice. He doesn't want Adam's roommate to wake up to the phone ringing, again, and wonder why the voice on the other side of the line was keeping Adam up, again. 

He sends Adam a picture of Chainsaw he took earlier and sends it, in case Adam is awake. He finds himself mouthing a prayer that Adam is awake for some reason, and will see the photo and reply and then he'll be able to ask, "Since you're already awake, mind if I give you a quick call?" 

Adam doesn't reply, although Ronan knows he'll wake up in the morning to several texts from Adam asking if he was having trouble sleeping again, and honestly, please just call me next time, I really truly do not mind. 

Ronan walks, aimlessly, and then finds himself sitting in the backseat of his BMW. He lies back against the window and stretches his legs out. And then, before he can overthink it and keep himself awake, he falls into a dream. 

The first thing he notices is that he isn't in Lindenmere. He isn't anywhere he can name or pinpoint, but somehow it feels as if he's been here before. The trees surrounding him are too in focus, like he's wearing Gansey's glasses, or high. They're purple and green, but also not. He reaches out towards one of them and presses a hand on the shimmering trunk and feels himself lose balance and the dream world spins. He closes his eyes to steady himself and when he opens them he knows exactly where he is. 

He's surrounded by copies of the Gansey's car. The Pig. Some of them are missing the front wheels. Some of them don't have windshields. One of them has the hood propped up and there's nothing inside it but empty space. Some of them have been crash tested and found wanting. A few are the wrong shade of orange, and one isn't orange at all. It's white. And sitting on the hood, is Joseph Kavinsky. 

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Kavinsky sneers. 

Ronan drops his hand down to his waist, instinctively. 

Kavinsky tilts his head back and laughs. It's somehow both sardonic and wistful. Ronan tells himself the note of wistfulness is not anything that belonged to the real Kavinsky, but something his subconscious added in to humanize this dream version of him. Kavinsky had only been earnest with Ronan one time, but that one time seemed to be what stuck in his brain when he conjured Kavinsky in his dreams. 

"So you're fucking Parrish now," Kavinsky says. "Got tired of waiting around for III and decided to settle for his sloppy seconds?" 

"Fuck off." Ronan could feel his fist clench involuntarily. 

"Oh come on, Lynch." Kavinsky ran a hand through his hair lazily. "You know Parrish is nothing but second-rate trailer park trash." 

"Don't, K," Ronan says, icily. 

Kavinsky smirks. "He probably has the stamina of a-" 

Ronan feels his fist connect with Kavinsky's jaw and hears a satisfying cracking sound. But when he looks up at Kavinsky, his face is intact. 

"Ronan, baby," Kavinsky says, and the world rolls off his tongue and lands like a punch to Ronan's gut. "It's going to take a lot more than a half-hearted punch to get me out of your head." He slides off the hood of the car and walks towards Ronan. "Remember when I..." he reaches towards Ronan and puts a hand on his waist. And then he leans in and bites down on Ronan's lower lip, hard, and then pulls before letting go. Ronan pulls away, his lip bleeding, and starts to take another swing. Kavinsky reaches up and grabs his wrist, stopping him. Ronan is frozen in place. 

"You know it's never going to be like it was with us," Kavinsky says. "I'm an original and Parrish is a store brand, useless, nothing motherfucker." 

Ronan wants to punch Kavinsky again. He wants to grab him and start swinging and not stop until Kavinsky is on the ground, bloody and silent. But instead he takes a deep breath. He turns around. He closes his eyes. He wills Kavinsky to go. When he turns back around, the cars are gone, and he is alone. 

He opens his eyes and he's back in his car, awake. His phone is ringing. He rubs the sleep from his eyes and answers the call. 

"Adam," he says. "Why the hell are you awake right now?" 

Adam laughs, and Ronan is glad he alone for once because he knows that if anyone was around they would see him absolutely beaming at the sound of Adam's familiar laughter. 

"You texted," Adam says. 

"I did," Ronan replies. He will never stop being surprised at how much lighter he feels when he can hear Adam breathing through the phone line. 

He imagines Adam's serious expression, his eyes watching, carefully, when Adam says, "I'm here, Ronan." 

Ronan isn't sure how to say _god I love you, how did we find each other, how do I deserve you_ in a way that makes sense so he just takes a deep breath and says, "Thank you." 

They talk until the sun rises over the Barns, painting the sky soft pinks and yellows. As soon as they hang up, Ronan hops out of the car, and heads to his room. He reaches underneath his dresser and gropes around until he finds the pills. He heads to the bathroom and flushes them. Chainsaw squaks, " _Kerah_ ," in an approving tone, and lands on his shoulder. Ronan strokes her head and smiles. 


End file.
